Os golfinhos assassinos planeiam tomar conta do mundo. Sim, é verdade. Quem o garante é a The Anti-Dolphin Organization.

E eu sou capaz de acreditar neles… ou não.

Senão, tenhamos em atenção o seguinte texto:

Fear the Dolphins
Terror of the Seas, Terror of the World

“Even if there is [intelligent life elsewhere], it may be on some water-covered world where super-dolphins enjoy a contemplative oceanic life, doing nothing to reveal themselves.” – Martin Rees

Dolphins control 70% of the Earth’s surface, including many major rivers. How can one say this? Well, it is a fact that the majority of Earth’s surface is covered by water, 70% to be precise. Dolphins, of course, live in the ocean and they even admit that they are the kings of the sea in the theme song to Flipper. Also they control the rivers because there is a group of animals known as river dolphins that are related to the better known group of ocean-dwelling dolphins. These animals do, in fact, share similar policies and values and are allied publicly. A good analogy for this situation is the following: ocean-dwelling dolphins are to river dolphins like Nazi Germany is to Fascist Italy. Another historical reference that is suitable to this situation is that dolphins have an Imperialist policy similar to the European nations of the late 1800’s. Dolphins believe that it is their “Manifest Destiny” to conquer the world. Other, but less likely reasons for their attempt to destroy our species, is that they are trying to revenge the dolphins that were killed in the tuna fishing nets. There is reason to doubt this because that would be a noble act, impossible for such a despicable creature.

Dolphins do have the ability to attack and destroy humans. One of these abilities is that they can use the sonar waves that they use in echolocation for more devious purposes. Since ultrasound can be used to breakup kidney stones it is very obvious that dolphins have the capacity to emit certain types of sound waves from their melon to destroy particles in a human body.

Many scientists also believe that dolphins could very well be the most intelligent life forms on this planet. If this is true then dolphins can very easily outwit us strategically and scientifically. We, the Anti-Dolphin Organization believe that many dolphins may take a kamikaze approach to attacking us. Our reasoning behind this is that many dolphins die on the beach, the only problem is that nobody knows why. We (Anti-Dolphin Organization) have heard reported incidents that humans have been threatened by this behavior leading us to believe that the dolphins are attempting to attack and destroy humans.

Dolphins, obviously very intelligent creatures, may have the technology to create hideous creatures of the deep; possibly the monsters of the deep that mariners of yore spoke. It could be that dolphins are to blame for many of our silly fears of sharks, they caused us to fear their greatest oceanic enemy. We destroy the dolphin’s enemy and at the same time allow the human race’s most feared enemy to prosper. Dolphins could be the “evil empire” that Reagan was actually speaking about. One thing that all of us here at the Anti-Dolphin Organization agree on is that dolphins cannot be trusted, they are our mortal enemies. We do not condone the senseless massacre of dolphins, unless the dolphins provoke we humans.

We hope that this explains our point-of-view and that you, the reader has been open-minded enough to cast off the myths of your childhood and that you see the truth. You must ask yourself at this point in your life what is more important, the human race or the dolphin.

We thank you for your time.

Sim meus amigos, é preocupante… Aqui podemos encontrar os vários cenários que poderão levar a uma eventual situação de domínio mundial por parte desses mamíferos mal intencionados:

Dolphin Scenarios
How can the dolphins take over?

The following scenarios may be upsetting to young children. Reader discretion is advised.

Scenario #1: Attack at the worst time.

World War III has ended. Nations all around the world have suffered heavy losses. Everyone everywhere is mourning their dead. At the worst time, the dolphins attack.

They start out by attacking swimmers (as usual), and then they work their way up to large ships. You must be thinking, “How can dolphins take down a large ship?” The answer is quite simple, they use their high pitched, particle-destructing sonar (Similar to the ultrasound used to breakup kidney stones) to attack the weak spots on the ship or they could gain assistance from whales. After the ships have sunk, the dolphins will use the wreckage to assemble vehicles that allow the dolphins to move about on land. These “dolphin vehicles” could be equipped with primitive weapons such as spears, catapults, or “rock guns.” Losses could grow to thousands due to the fact that 50% of the population lives around the coasts.

Scenario #2: Telepathic Human Control

FACT: Dolphins have larger brains than humans.

Dolphins may have greater mental abilities than humans. They could very well have telepathic abilities. Instead of using telepathy to communicate with humans, they could be using it subliminally gain control of our minds. This causes us to “like” them and this could eventually cause us to obey their every command.

Scenario #3: Befriending Humans

Dolphins are very influential. Why else would SeaWorld, Green Peace, The Wild Dolphin Project, The Dolphin Institute, Blue Dolphin Alliance, and the Miami Dolphins be created? They all are designed to be aides for the dolphin’s control. These cult-like businesses/organizations try to make you feel bad for the dolphins and they attempt to get you involved with their manipulative cause. Don’t get corrupted by their “beliefs” or “facts”–they will try to deceive you at any cost.

Eventually, they will attempt to make everyone pro-dolphin. This will make people think it was the human at fault when the dolphins kill us and we deserve death. Therefore, people dying from dolphin attacks won’t seem as bad–it was the human’s fault.

Scenario #4: Aliens To This Planet

A long time ago, in a planetary system far, far away, lived a race of “super dolphins.” In this perfect race of beings, there was some imperfections, or what I like to call, “retarded dolphins.” The super dolphins wanted their race to be unblemished by the interbreeding with the retarded dolphins. So, instead of killing their simple-minded relatives, they sent them all to the nearest water-covered planet–Earth.

They may be retarded to the super dolphins, but they still pose a threat to us.

Scenario #5: Global Flooding

Dolphins have high pitched, particle-destructing sonar, as mentioned earlier. They could use this ability to loosen large chunks of ice from the poles and create ice
burgs. (Titanic?) These ice burgs melt as they travel through warm water. This will add more water to the oceans and cause coastal flooding. Dolphins will then gain more and more control of the Earth’s surface.

[ ironic mode ] No mínimo é desconcertante … Os golfinhos, esses malandros… tsc tsc… [ / ironic mode]

Mas pensando bem, podia ser pior… podiam ser pinguins!

OMG!!1!11! NINJA BANK ROBBER PENGUIN!!1!

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