Numa paródia à Wikipedia, surgiu recentemente (mais coisa menos coisa) a Uncyclopedia. Óptima para perder horas em leituras de riso.
Hoje, colocaram este excerto num fórum que frequento, e passo a copiar literalmente daqui, a descrição que a Uncyclopedia faz de “armas”.

Gun
From Uncyclopedia

“Careful with that axe, Eugene…”

~ Oscar Wilde on Guns

Gun. You know, barrel, trigger, bullet, bang bang you’re dead.

Well known fact: guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Often with guns. Unless the Gun misfires, killing the shooter, in which case, yes, guns do kill people. Fuck, my head hurts. Just shoot me now. There are some cases also, in which you may have a friend called Gun that does not like you very much. But that’s part of life anyway…

Well, the gun helps.

This fact was tested scientifically by the Royal Society in 1701, and they discovered that in fact bullets kill people most of the time, and guns kill people if you smack them upside the head with them.

How does a Gun Work?

The gun consists of three principal components: the barrel, the projectile and the propellant. The propellant is a rapidly expanding substance which forces the bullet down the barrel and towards the intended tatget. The shooter must be sure to never mess the things up (like firing the barrel by holding the propellant or by manually pushing the bullets through the barrel to push the propellant).

On leaving the barrel the bullet causes a supersonic shock wave to be emitted which propagates towards the victim, causing distraction. Often, guns are fitted with noise-enhancing devices to increase this effect.

The modern firearm is equipped with a spark chamber, designed to produce muzzle flash. This is to allow guns to be used as ad-hoc flashlights in darkened areas by repeated firing. The flash also acts to scare and unnerve the victim. In fact, in the early days of photography before the invention of the flashbulb, photographs were illuminated by the discharge of a large cannon. This made the photographer amongst the deadliest of professions.

Post-modern weaponry, consists of phasers which emmit a powerful beam which is enough to cut a loaf of bread into slices suitable for eating by dwarf-humans, Klingons and Bacterias alike. The beam is often colorful, to prevent boredom in between in-ship battles, and to create some random distraction for the enemies to look at.

Why do people die from gun?

Guns don’t kill people. People do. ~ Charlton Heston, NRA spokesman

Often the shock of a bright flash, loud “bang” and sharp metal projectile travelling at upwards of 300 metres per second can Lead to Psychological effects such as Heart arrhythmia, fainting and Farting. The most common effect is Diarrhea. This is why, in a firefight, the stronger will prevails – weaker shooters (typically terrorists or Imperial Storm-Troopers) will drop like flies from the stress of the experience and the weight of their full underwear, whereas those of a heroic disposition (such as Americans and Jedi) will withstand the nerve-rattling experience and survive.

A commonly held Myth is that bullets penetrating the flesh will kill people. A simple back-of-envelope calculation reveals the flaw in this argument. By modelling bullets as point particles, and people as one-dimensional strings, one can see that the chance of a bullet hitting a person, even in a crowd of thousands, is infinitesimally small. The Truth is that Death from guns is often due to the sheer surprise of being shot at.

That said, being hit by a bullet is a common experience for the clinically obese, and the resulting pain and injury can often result in substantial fecal weight loss.

Murder and Suicide

Guns are brilliant tools of illegal death. Murder and Suicide are the best examples. As one of the troops in an Al-Quaida training camp said shortly before shooting herself three times in the head with an AK47 from different angles and then putting the weapons tidily back into the armoury (that part is actually true): “Don’t leave me, i’ve had death threats,” which is obvious code for “I am a zombie and will kill myself to please our lord Jesus christ who died for all of our sins.” Her Suicide note which wasn’t written in her handwriting, leads Scientists to believe she used her zombie Psychic powers to make someone else write it, who coincidentally didn’t like her. This is likely inspired by the late JFK’s suicide, which involved stabbing himself three times in the back, pissing on his own dead body and throwing himself off a bridge. This is indeed an accomplishment in suicide.

Guns:
* Rifle
* Raygun
* Machine Gun
* AK47
* Desert Eagle
* Banana
* Guns n’ Roses
* Wooden branch with slight bend
* Fist with index finger and thumb extended
* Anti-Material Rifles

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